I just want to read and write and maybe play video games if i'm feeling harassed one day. Just waking up has too much maintenance, sleeping interrupts me every time. In a perfect world I'd never sleep or want to.
I used to be ashamed of how easy I am to derail and tried to fix it. One day I gave up and let it be known that that's how it is and it's not my problem it's everyone else's don't invite me.
It's very easy to not do anything but the pressure of making something builds up until it is more uncomfortable than being comfortable and then work happens. Busy work and circular work doesn't generate pressure. It's a barking dog that gets louder and I just pull over more blankets. I can keep pulling all day.
I used to pay someone to let me moan but the pressure of having something interesting to say every week was too much. I could spend that money on work. Running games is the same but I don't save any money.
Some days i'm nauseous with things I want to make and then i'm told the world has been knocking all night and they're tired of dealing with it. Cold bath sober.
How unhappy are you willing to gamble on being happy one day?
Nelson Mandel wrote to his daughters in a letter from 1969 (they were maybe 10 or 11 years old at the time), "Zindzi says her heart is sore because I'm not at home and wants to know when I will come back. I do not know my darlings when I will return. You will remember that in the letter I wrote in 1966 I told you that the white judge said I should stay in jail for the rest of my life. It may be long before I come back. It may be soon. Nobody knows when it will be. Not even the judge who said I should be kept here but I am certain that one day I will be back at home to live in happiness with you until the end of my days." Mandela remained imprisoned until 1990.
ReplyDeleteThat is so fucking powerful and sad at the same time, it blows my mind. Thanks for sharing!
DeleteHappy, unhappy, emotions are liars and your subconscious is a hateful prisoner. To live is to suffer but at the very very least we're all we've got and we're suffering together. One day is nothing, now is all we can hold. Don't take advice from me if you know what's good for you ;^).
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