The Bumptious Nomenclature of the Empires

Streets of the Emerald City

Portrait of the Invincible Overlord

The Empires, beyond the Fern Court, a land of mercenaries, Emperors, and egos. City states rise, swell and break like waves against each other, each insistent on their rightful place as inheritor of the broken Empire. If you were to catalogue all the significant actors in this farce your work would be long, thankless and entirely inaccurate by the time it was completed.

The Gate of Horn

Cities dot the land, many just rotting

Better to just appreciate the entirely ludicrous names the pretenders afford themselves.

	D50	D100	D2020
1	Absolute	Bane	Always at the Shoulder	11
2	Amaranthine	Baron	at the Crossroads	12
3	Black	Baroness	Bestower of Good Gifts	13
4	Dauntless	Beast	Crystallizer of Dreams	14
5	Deathless	Bestower	First Born	15
6	Endless	Bishop	he of Backward feet	16
7	Eternal	Bringer	He Who Felled the First Tree	17
8	Fearless	Commander	In the Forest	18
9	Gilded	Controller	In the Mountain	19
10	Glorious	Councillor	of a thousand stars	110
11	Great	Creator	of Abundance	111
12	Green	Despot	of Ages	112
13	Immortal	Destroyer	of Air	113
14	Indomitable	Devourer	of all	114
15	Infinite	Dictator	of all People	115
16	Invincible	Dispenser	of all Sources of Water	116
17	Invulnerable	Divine	of All Young and Growing Things	117
18	Lawful	Drinker	of Animals	118
19	Legitimate	Duchess	of Arcane Mysteries	119
20	Manifold	Duke	of Artisans	120
21	Masterful	Earl	of Ashes	21
22	Mighty	Eater	of Astral Fires	22
23	Multitudinous	Eminence	Of Balance	23
24	One True	Emperor	of Beauty and Charm	24
25	Onliest	Empress	of Beggars	25
26	Perpetual	Enemy	of Berries	26
27	Proud	Father	of Berserkers	27
28	Purple	Feeder	of Birds and Parrots	28
29	raging	Fiend	of Blood	29
30	Red	Fire	of Brilliance	210
31	Relentless	Firstborn	of Cannibals	211
32	Resolute	Fortifier	of chaos	212
33	Rightful	Friend	of Children	213
34	Unassailable	Gatherer	of chocking moisture	214
35	Unbent	Giver	of Civilization	215
36	Unbound	God	of Clouds	216
37	Unbreakable	Goddess	of Confusion	217
38	Unbroken	Guardian	of Corruption	218
39	Unconquerable	Guide	of Courage	219
40	Unfading	Guide	of Dark Magics	220
41	Unforgiving	Hammer	of Darkness	31
42	Unmoving	Harbinger	of Deadly Waters	32
43	Unshakable	Harvester	of Death	33
44	Untouchable	Healer	of Death and Rebirth	34
45	Unyielding	Healer	of Decay	35
46	Veracious	Herald	of Demons	36
47	Voluminous	Hero	of Destiny	37
48	War-Bitten	Inventor	of discipline	38
49	White	Keeper	of Disease	39
50	Yellow	Khan	of Disorder	310
51		King	of Dreams	311
52		Lady	of Earth	312
53		Lawgiver	of Earthquakes	313
54		Leader	of Eloquence	314
55		Lion	of Everlasting Worlds	315
56		Lord	of Every Flame	316
57		Magnate	of Evil	317
58		Maker	of excellence	318
59		Margrave	of Existence	319
60		Marshal	of Famine	320
61		Master	of Farmers	41
62		Messenger	of Fate	42
63		Minister	of fear	43
64		Minister	of Fertility	44
65		Mistress	of Fever	45
66		Monster	of Filth	46
67		Mother	of Fires	47
68		One	of Fires of the Earth	48
69		Opener	of Fires Under Earth	49
70		Overlord	of Fishermen	410
71		Overseer	of Fishes	411
72		Patron	of Flames	412
73		Persecutor	of Flies	413
74		Personification	of Food	414
75		Prince	of Fortune	415
76		Princess	of Frost	416
77		Protector	of Gamblers	417
78		Queen	of Gambling	418
79		Reaver	of Gluttony	419
80		Regent	of Gods	420
81		Rider	of Greed	51
82		Rider	of Growth	52
83		Ruler	of hatred	53
84		Ruler	of Heaven	54
85		Seducer	of Heavenly Fires	55
86		Shah	of Hell	56
87		Shepherd	of heroes	57
88		Sky	of Horrors	58
89		Smotherer	of Human Sacrifice	59
90		Sovereign	of Ice	510
91		Sultan	of Illusion and Masquerade	511
92		Sword	of Immortal Evils	512
93		Symbol	of Immortal Wisdom	513
94		Tamer	of Impurity	514
95		Teacher	of Infants	515
96		Turner	of injustice	516
97		Vizier	of Insanity	517
98		Warlord	of Insects	518
99		Warrior	of insolence	519
100		Watcher	of Inventions	520
			of Invincible power	61
			of justice	62
			of lands	63
			of Languages	64
			of Law	65
			of Liars	66
			of Life	67
			of Light	68
			of Luck Through Hard Work	69
			of magic	610
			of Magma	611
			of majesty	612
			of Man	613
			of Many Names	614
			of Medicine	615
			of Men	616
			of Men's Fates	617
			of Mercy	618
			of Metals	619
			of Might	620
			of mischief	71
			of Misfortune	72
			of Mists	73
			of Monsters	74
			of Moons	75
			of Mountains	76
			of Nature	77
			of Navigation	78
			of Near and Close	79
			of Necromancers	710
			of Nothing	711
			of oaths	712
			of order	713
			of Ostentatious Ornament	714
			of Outcasts	715
			of Pain	716
			of Patience	717
			of Penitential Torture	718
			of Pestilence	719
			of Philosophy	720
			of Plagues	81
			of Plants and Trees	82
			of Poetry and Song	83
			of Poison	84
			of Primeval Depths	85
			of Primordial Waters	86
			of Rain	87
			of Reason	88
			of Revelry	89
			of Riches	810
			of Rivers	811
			of Sailors	812
			of Shadows	813
			of Silence	814
			of Sin	815
			of Sins	816
			of Smiths	817
			of Soldiers	818
			of Souls	819
			of Spiders	820
			of Spring and Sunlight	91
			of Stellar Lights	92
			of Storms	93
			of Strength	94
			of Suffering	95
			of Suicides	96
			of Taint	97
			of Terror	98
			of the Abyss	99
			of the Black Wind	910
			of the Blessed Lands	911
			of the Breath of Life	912
			of the Bridge	913
			of the Celestial Bodies	914
			of the Cities	915
			of the Clouds	916
			of the Coral Towers	917
			of the Crafts	918
			of the Crossroads	919
			of the Dawn	920
			of the Dead	101
			of the deep	102
			of the Desert Sun	103
			of the Desert Wind	104
			of the Dying Forests	105
			of the East Wind	106
			Of the Eight Winds	107
			of the Eternal Forest	108
			of the Eternal Sea	109
			of the Forest	1010
			of the Forest that Thirsts	1011
			of the Forges	1012
			of the Four Winds	1013
			of the Freezing Winds	1014
			of the Frozen Waste	1015
			of the Gallows	1016
			of the Gods	1017
			of the Harvest	1018
			of the Healing Arts	1019
			of the Heavenly Fires	1020
			of the Hiararchs	111
			of the Host	112
			of the Hostile	113
			of the Hungry Earth	114
			of the Hunt	115
			of the Iron Sceptre	116
			of the Lands	117
			of the Emerald throne	118
			of the Morning	119
			of the Mountain Springs	1110
			of the Night Sky	1111
			of the North Wind	1112
			of the Obsidian Blade	1113
			of the Ocean Underneath	1114
			of the Ocean's Surface	1115
			of the Oceans	1116
			of the Open Road	1117
			of the Plague	1118
			of the Pole Star	1119
			of the Raging Seas	1120
			of the rich	121
			of the Rock	122
			of the Sacred Eye	123
			of the Scorching Winds	124
			of the Skies	125
			of the Sky	126
			of the Smouldercone	127
			of the South Wind	128
			of the spheres	129
			of the Spring	1210
			of the Sun	1211
			of the Tablets of Destiny	1212
			of the Unbound Flesh	1213
			of the Void	1214
			of the wastes	1215
			of the Water Dead	1216
			of the Waves	1217
			of the Ways	1218
			of the Wells	1219
			of the West Wind	1220
			of the Wild	131
			of the Wildlife	132
			of the Winds	133
			of the Winter Realms	134
			of the World	135
			of the Wounding Spear	136
			of the Years	137
			of thieves	138
			of This World	139
			of Thunder and Lightning	1310
			of time	1311
			of Tremors	1312
			of truth	1313
			of turmoil	1314
			of tyrants	1315
			of Unchallenged Victory	1316
			of Unexpected Pleasure and Sorrow	1317
			of Unnatural Lust	1318
			of Untimely Death	1319
			of Vegetation	1320
			of Volcanic Fire	141
			of Volcanoes	142
			the Fever Moon	143
			of War	144
			of Water	145
			of wealth and power	146
			of Wind on the Waters	147
			of Wine	148
			of Winter	149
			of Witchcraft	1410
			of writing and speech	1411
			of Youth	1412
			of Youthful Vitality and Violence	1413
			Opener of the Wells	1414
			of arbitrators	1415
			of iron and machines	1416
			of merchants	1417
			Pivot of the Universe	1418
			the Master of War	1419
			Sky of all the People	1420
			of Walls	151
			soul of darkness	152
			the Adversary	153
			the Afterthought	154
			the Arbitrary	155
			the Armourer	156
			the Baleful Eye	157
			the Beast	158
			the Bloodlusting Lord	159
			the Bloody Mistress	1510
			the Boiling Spirit	1511
			the Breathmaker	1512
			the Brilliant God	1513
			the Broken Mind	1514
			the Burning Soul	1515
			the Collector of Souls	1516
			the compassionate	1517
			the Corn	1518
			the Cunning Man	1519
			the Dead and Undying God	1520
			the Destroyer	161
			the Divine Scribe	162
			the Divine Shepherd	163
			the Divine Smith	164
			the Earth Monster	165
			the Eater of Hearts	166
			the Essence of Fertility	167
			the Eternal Judge	168
			the Even Hand	169
			the Everburning One	1610
			the Evil Minded	1611
			the Evil Prince	1612
			the Evil Princess	1613
			the fallen	1614
			the Far Traveller	1615
			The Flame Bitten	1616
			the Fortifier	1617
			the Fountainhead	1618
			the Grey One	1619
			the Mountain Hammer	1620
			the Harvester	171
			the Heart of Darkness	172
			the herald	173
			the Hidden One	174
			the Howler	175
			the Hunger Without Thought	176
			the Hungry Earth	177
			Who Brought Down the Moon	178
			the Infernal Sovereign	179
			the Inventor of Science	1710
			the Key to the Gate	1711
			the kindly one	1712
			the King Above All	1713
			the Knotted One	1714
			the Lawgiver	1715
			the Leaflord	1716
			the Leech	1717
			the Leeching Darkness	1718
			the left hand of knowledge	1719
			the lover of war	1720
			the Loyal Master	181
			the Lurker at the Threshold	182
			the Lurker in the Crypt	183
			the Maker of Mountains	184
			the man eater	185
			the Mountain Lord	186
			the Narrow Faced	187
			the Night Hag	188
			the Obsidian Butterfly	189
			the Old, Old One	1810
			the once and future king	1811
			the one who sets boundaries	1812
			the Persuasive One	1813
			the Pillar that is Purity	1814
			the Pockmarked Saviour	1815
			the Power Perverse	1816
			the Queen that Hungers	1817
			the Rice Giver	1818
			the Ring Giver	1819
			the Sea Mother	1820
			the Self Created Master	191
			the serpent mind	192
			the Shadow	193
			the Star of the Dead	194
			the Stealer of Corpses	195
			the stillness of death	196
			the storm	197
			the Stump	198
			the Summer Lord	199
			the swamp	1910
			the Sword Hungry	1911
			the Terror of the Tomb	1912
			the Thrice Damned	1913
			the Unconquerable Sun	1914
			the Undeceivable	1915
			the Unjust	1916
			the Unmoving Master	1917
			the Unshakable	1918
			the Unsleeping	1919
			the Whirlpool	1920
			Turner of the Flood	201
			Warrior Against the Sun	202
			Who Confuses the Way	203
			Who Conquered the Sky	204
			Who Contains Everything	205
			Who Dreams	206
			Who Holds the Fate of All	207
			Who is at the Center of All Things	208
			Who is Crowned with Wisdom	209
			Who is Twisted by Jealousy	2010
			Who Loves not the Light	2011
			Who Makes Clear the Way	2012
			Who Mounts the Clouds	2013
			Who Opened the Box of Woe	2014
			Who Sealed the Gates of Death	2015
			Who Should Not Be Named	2016
			Who Stole the Fire	2017
			Who Tempers the Spirit	2018
			Who Waits	2019
			Wind of the North	2020

End of Year Accounts

The more-or-less end of the year is an appropriate time to do an assessment of how well this reckless endeavour has gone. Records go from 3/6/14 to 30/12/14.

Sales have remained somewhat flat since the beginning. This is neither spectacular nor terrible. I'm playing for the long game, eventually the back catalogue will be so large and knowledge of it be so common that it will quietly start to turn a profit. At least that's the plan. Being excellent is easy, being consistent is hard.

I must stress here that there is no inherent nobility in running at a loss. I take no pride in it, it is not a good thing and I will put a stop to it as soon as I'm able. If you make something good and worthy you should be compensated and sustained by it.

Commissions are where the money goes. From the beginning I aimed to get to a point where I could pay professional rates and have consistently pushed them up there. Still, from this point I would need to triple them to match something like Weird Tales. Not happening any time soon. At some point I'd like to be able to pay myself similarly. Long game.

Net income: Around -£100 and 60something copies from breaking even. Pretty damn good considering the costs of replacing a printer are included there.

So other than numbers, what did we learn?

• I'd like to think I'm easy to work with but who knows. Either way, when working closely with another I feel the work is definitely stronger.
• I have absolutely no idea how good/bad The Undercroft is. I'm not used to this distance from the audience and am endlessly frustrated with it. Unless you hear the sincerity in their words, praise or criticism is hard to take too seriously.
• As I said the last time I did this, reviews are hard. I don't think a zine is a very reviewable thing, I know I've tried and failed. Do you talk about the work itself? What if it's an anthology work? Is the writing or collecting more important?
• I still dislike talking to people over the internet. You either sound hysterical or like an arsehole when tippety-typing.

What next?

• I want to get weirder. Everything so far has been quite tame and in the bounds of what you'd expect from a supplement. Some people have been funny about demon boobs on the cover of #3, I'd like to explore that discomfort some more. Not just through nudity and shock value (although sure, why not), but other ways.
• Bigger projects. There are 2 books in different stages of development that have taken ideas that were originally going to be blog posts or zine articles. There is a definite A, B, and C class system going on (you're currently looking at the C game).
• More issues. Short of me dying, I won't stop.

Hopefully someone finds this stuff interesting or useful. I certainly appreciated others doing similar when I was starting.

Humourous Henchmen

I have never remembered what a henchman's morale is. Call me heartless, but they all look the same and are never around long enough to care or find the scrap of paper I pretended to write it down on. Besides, if I got attached to every one of them I wouldn't be able to do my job (i.e. killing henchmen).

So, henchman morale checks; or the "does my henchman run off with all my stuff" roll.

When you meet them you roll for what kind of temperament the henchman possesses and you write it down right there where the players track what the poor fellow is hauling around for them. The dominant humours are listed with the roll penalties used on the following tables:

Sanguine -1
Choleric +1
Melancholic 0
Phlegmatic +2

(the traits of each are listed at the end and may help characterise a henchman that no one much cares for)

To use a past example of a henchmen, who bravely took their own life, we would record their name down as follows:

Volrath the Phlegmatic Foreigner

Possibly. Or you could write it down on a scrap of paper and forget about it, much like you traditionally do with their secret morale. Or not use them at all and just roll.




If they are asked to open a suspicious door or otherwise perform dangerous tasks on your behalf in a capacity outside of their job description:

1-2 Happy to be of assistance
3-4 They do it, but if they are harmed by the experience their faith in you will be rattled  (a 1 cumulative malus on all rolls this adventure)
5-6 They refuse


When asked to guard a pile of gold so large that they could run away and start a new life with it:

1 They cut and run
2 They make a secret nest egg. Steal 2d10 coins per pocket! (They do this without the player's knowledge and will not respond well to random checks. They're sociopathic adventurers as well, don't you know)
3-4 They palm a few coins. 2d10 coins or one small easily concealed item.
5-6 Honest and true



If one of their number dies or some other horrifying event occurs in front of them:

1 Run! Run away!
2-3 Frozen for a number of rounds equal to the number rolled
4-6 Business as usual


How much trouble can a wealthy armed killer get into with his downtime? (Roll this at the start of an adventure or some other convenient in-between bit. Minus 1 to this roll for every full 5 points of damage they took in their last outing; they need to let off steam after almost dying in this dead-end job)

1 Lots, roll twice
2 Some, roll once
3-6 None


Roll D44, do not add humour bonus.
11 They got drunk and talkative at the local social club. Every secret you have that they could reasonably know, they've told in great detail to everyone listening. Expect unpleasant surprises.
12 Your pockets are lightened. The henchman has taken their fair share (in their eyes) and skipped town. Leaving with a recently acquired macguffin, perhaps?
13 They join a competing adventuring company who have just moved into the area.
14Their sketchy past catches up with them. 1, they get killed in their sleep 2-6 their old enemy turns up and starts causing trouble.
21 They start their own competing adventuring company
22 They gambled and lost. They are not only now broke, they owe money to the local seedy underbelly. This can not be resolved by just killing a bunch of guys, the mafiosi will sneak into your inn and stab you while you sleep if you get handsy with them.
23 They elope with a local lover. Skip the next game and return with +1 to all rolls for an adventure due to the refreshing break.
24 A man/woman comes forward as your henchman's illegitimate/abandoned child. 3 in 6 chance it's true. They will either want compensation or to follow in their parent's footprints and join you, whichever is most inconvenient or interesting.
31 A fight breaks out, most likely started by the restless henchman. They take 5d8 damage in bar-room shanking damage.
32 They got arrested on counts of: 1-2 Theft 3-4 Assault 5 Murder 6 All of the aforementioned
33 They went on a legendary bender. Drink, drugs, girls, boys, now! Their hang over is of such magnificent beauty that they nurse it all through the next adventure, suffering -2 to every roll involving thinking or moving.
34 They've been recruited into the Potters Guild militia. They're off to Loch Doldrum to fight the Mud Men and take their precious clay. Steady work, good pay.
41 Their wife/husband has come to retrieve their wayward spouse. Deal with it.
42 They dipped their wick in one too many pots. Syphilis! See Undercroft #1 or just make it up.
43 Drunk in a ditch somewhere. Alive but they miss the next adventure as they find their way home. 
44 Caught in a riddling contest with a retired servant of the Manticore. If they pass an intelligence test they win a trinket from the Manticore's old horde (it will be relatively inoffensive) and D1000 XP.

Sanguine
Friendly, Energetic, Forgiving, Confident, Charming, Talkative
Weak-willed, Egotistical, Gullible, Shallow, Disorganized, Self-absorbed


Choleric
Takes the lead, Independent, Hard worker, Strong-willed, Practical, Determined
Cruel, Rebellious, Stubborn, Insensitive, Arrogant, Rude


Melancholic
Thoughtful, Faithful, Self-sacrificing, Analytical, Organized, Practical
Pessimistic, Morose, Vengeful, Insecure, Shy, Jealous


Phlegmatic
Dependable, Patient, Accommodating, Witty, Calm,  Forgiving,
Docile, Indecisive, Lazy, Stubborn, Indifferent, Yielding,

The Undercroft #3 is out and proud

Oh me oh my, it's happened again.

We have golems seeking treasure while England is upturn'd; wise men and cunning folk, lead by a Dark Star to the Fern Court; and the story of a young man, an old man, & a bridge.

Cover by +Jeremy Duncan, illustrations by +Matthew Adams and +Jim Magnusson.

Writing by +Alex Clements, +Barry Blatt and my fine self.


Now on sale. Treat yourself, buy one for the kids, stick them under the Christmas tree and surprise your mum.

Arthurian encounters by the roadside

1.
A white stag bursts from the undergrowth, stops in your path and makes eye contact. For that split second you are all transfixed by its evident majesty, and then it bounds away. Eating its flesh will heal all heart sickness, it's pelt will swaddle the future king, and a crown made from the creature's bones will make the wearer beloved by man and feared by fae.

2.
A young man has stationed himself at the opposite side of a bridge. He challenges you as you approach to single combat so that he may earn his knighthood. Behind him is a tent, a fire pit, and a selection of helmets sitting on top of weapons rudely struck into the ground. If you wade through the river instead of using the bridge he will insult you and question your honour but otherwise not interfere.

3.
The road ahead has been furrowed and the forest on either side is shattered and torn. The giants would never wander this far south, you tell yourself, but the birds speaks volumes in their silence.

4.
A body lays in the middle of the track at the end of a long trail of blood. On inspection his teeth are missing and his eyes have been struck out. There are tiny feathered spines still in the sockets and a silver coin under his tongue.

5.
The path ends suddenly. Perhaps your attention has flagged and your feet have wandered or maybe your map is too old. You turn to retrace your steps and the path behind you is gone. Thick forest abounds.

6.
A knight is struggling by the roadside with who-knows-what. He is quite frantic and looks like he is wrestling with something vicious, but on approaching you discover his sword has just become stuck in the scabbard and he is angrily trying to draw it out by bracing it between his legs and pulling. If you offer to help him he will grumpily accept. After some embarrassing pulling and falling and swearing he throws the sword to the ground and stomps off towards the nearest town ranting about not being stingy when it comes to scabbards. The sword is magical in some rather mundane sense.